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enigmawing
28 September 2009 @ 07:36 pm
A phobia is generally defined as the unrelenting fear of a situation, activity, or thing that causes one to want to avoid it. The definition of agoraphobia is a fear of being outside or otherwise being in a situation from which one either cannot escape or from which escaping would be difficult or humiliating.

Agoraphobia develops in response to repeated exposure to anxiety-provoking events or is a reaction to internal emotional conflicts.  Agoraphobia tends to begin by adolescence or early adulthood. Girls and women, middle-aged individuals, low-income populations, and individuals who have gone through traumatic events are at increased risk of developing agoraphobia.  It tends to occur more often in individuals who have a number of different physical conditions, including but not limited to eating disorders, obesity, and asthma.

Other contributing factors include:

    *  Family:
          - Having an anxious parent role model.
          - Being abused as a child.
          - Having an overly critical parent.

    * Personality:
          - High need for approval.
          - High need for control.
          - Oversensitivity to emotional stimuli.

    * Biological:
          - Oversensitivity to adrenalin and hormone changes.
          - Oversensitivity to physical stimuli.
          - High amounts of sodium lactate in the bloodstream.

The panic attacks associated with agoraphobia, like all panic attacks, may involve intense fear, disorientation, rapid heart beat, light-headedness, trembling, and dizziness.  During a panic attack, epinephrine, adrenaline, and cortisol are released in large amounts, triggering the body's natural fight-or-flight response. A panic attack typically has an abrupt onset, building to maximum intensity within 10 to 15 minutes, and rarely lasts longer than 30 minutes.

The overproduction of epinephrine, adrenaline, and cortisol interferes with the production of serotonin and dopamine. Serotonin and dopamine are neurotransmitters that stabilizes mood and sense of well-being. When serotonin and dopamine levels are low, moods become unstable and sufferers are less able to cope with stress.  In this state of chemical imbalance, people become more easily fatigued, the immune system is compromised, and there is more risk for experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. Even after the original stressor is gone, sufferers are likely to stay in a heightened state of anxiety.

Triggers for this anxiety may include crowds, enclosed spaces, wide open spaces or traveling, even short distances.  Patients usually have a heightened sensitivity to bright lights, temperatures, sudden or harsh sounds, perceived personal boundaries, and other sources of physical stimulation.  This type of physical stimulus easily overwhelms patients, creating an aura of disorientation.  Many patients crave comforting, reassuring, and controlled physical stimuli which may include excessive eating, drinking, or sexual activity, so much that they may get anxiety attacks over not being able to obtain these stimuli.

Agoraphobic individuals often begin to avoid the situations that provoke even an anticipation of a panic attack.  Those situations are avoided (e.g., travel is restricted) or else are endured with marked distress, or require the presence of a companion. Interestingly, the situations that are often avoided by people with agoraphobia and the environments which cause people with balance disorders to feel disoriented are quite similar. This leads some cases of agoraphobia to be considered as vestibular function agoraphobia.  Research has uncovered a linkage between agoraphobia and difficulties with spatial orientation.  Normal individuals are able to maintain balance by combining information from their vestibular system, their visual system and their proprioceptive sense. A disproportionate number of agoraphobics have weak vestibular function and consequently rely more on visual or tactile signals. They may become disoriented when visual cues are sparse as in wide open spaces or overwhelming as in crowds, or when those visual cues do not properly connect with the other senses.

Cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy are the most effective psychotherapies used to treat agoraphobia.  If left untreated, agoraphobia may worsen to the point where the person's life is seriously affected by the disease itself and/or by attempts to avoid or conceal it.  A specific form of psychotherapy that focuses on decreasing negative, anxiety-provoking, or other self-defeating thoughts and behaviors (called cognitive behavioral therapy) has been found to be highly effective in treating agoraphobia. In fact, when agoraphobia occurs along with panic disorder, cognitive behavioral therapy is considered to be the most effective way to both relieve symptoms and prevent their return.  Another form of therapy that has been found effective in managing agoraphobia includes self-exposure. In that intervention, the person either imagines or puts him or herself into situations that cause increasing levels of agoraphobic anxiety, using relaxation techniques in each situation in order to master their anxiety.

* * *

Well, at least I have something to work with now . . .

 
 
feeling: intimidated
listening to: Pressure - Billy Joel
 
 
enigmawing
05 June 2009 @ 03:19 am
This post was also made in my dA journal this morning.

I occasionally look back to a drawing I did in March of 2006 that I entitled "Better Days." I knew nothing of the comic I eventually became hooked on of the same name, but a certain Goo Goo Dolls song was playing a lot on the radio and the lyrics struck a chord within me.



It's a cringe-worthy piece to look back on now as I was still quite rusty from my drawing hiatus, but the message and memories behind it still speak to me. I was losing touch with a good friend and fought constantly with the wavering boyfriend I had at the time, and it seemed no matter how hard I tried it felt as though everything I loved was slipping through my fingers. I found myself falling deep into depression, missing the family I'd lost and vaguely wondering if I'd have somewhere to go if I ever found the strength to leave him. All I really did want were those "better days," and with no one to count on in my personal life, I turned more and more to my online friends for distraction, comfort, and even support. And a strange metamorphosis occurred: those new friends made me realize I deserved much more than what my soon-to-be ex was giving me, and more importantly, what I'd given myself credit for.

I feel a bit of fear and embarrassment even now when I recall the struggle I went through before and after breaking it off with him. He became increasingly irrational and dependent over time, an eventual alcoholic that enticed me to drink away my misery as well. Big mistake on my part but I eventually broke away from the habit. And after the break up, he refused to give me the money he owed and left me with not only a pile of bills, but a foreclosure notice. My online friends came to the rescue and saved me from losing my house while I struggled with getting my car fixed and finding a new job. That showing of kindness and generosity is something I'll never forget.

I'd also found my soul mate in :iconsatanasrey:, one of those online friends, and desperately hoped that the long-distance relationship we had formed would soon end with us closing in on the thousands of miles that separated us. I gave up practically everything to be with him once we were able to afford our own place and haven't regretted a moment of it.

I believe Rey has made me a stronger person, but I still find myself stumbling. I think it was close to year after moving that I was finally able to interest myself in drawing again, as I attempted to recover from some long-standing issues of self-doubt and found it hard to adapt to all of the changes. But despite any difficulties it just felt right to be with him, plus it was comforting that all my online friends were there for the ride.

I guess that made it all the more difficult when I sort of had a falling out with one of my closest online friends late last year, but the less said about it, the better. I took a break from one of my "home" sites to let go of the sadness and anger caused by the situation. I've since heard that I either made a huge mistake or outright abandoned the place, but I refuse to believe that. As much as I gained there as both an artist and a person and as much as I loved my friends there, I had no obligations to keep and the break did me a world of good. Besides, my real friends knew where to find me (like here). I was eventually happy to return a couple of months ago, feeling healed and ready to make a fresh start. And what a good feeling it is.

I know it's such an easy thing to say in retrospect, but :icondocarmy: had to have been one of my favorite online friends. I'm sure many of you saw my previous journal entry from April, when I felt I'd worried long enough about his disappearance and dug around different sites in hopes of locating him.

Instead I was directed to an article from early November that covered his untimely death.

It hit me pretty hard. To think of all that had happened since that moment, to know that I was stressing over what amounted to be petty things in those past few months . . . all that time my friend was dead and I didn't know it. He was only in his thirties, always had a positive attitude, and never got involved in any of the stupidity we typically refer to as online drama. It seems so horribly unfair to have lost him.

He was one of those that cheered me up during those crazy days of living with my ex. Later on as well, when I was living alone and struggling to make ends meet or trying to feel out the new life I'd made where I am now. Your mind does crazy things when you grieve, and as I struggled to find closure I lamented several times that I never took the chance to let him know what his friendship had meant to me.

Just a few days ago I stumbled across a message he sent out last summer to thank me for nominating him as the JAB member of the month. Wow, I'd totally forgotten about that. My reply was still there as well, me just letting him know I always thought he was a fun, cool guy and that I'd appreciated his friendship more than he'd likely ever know.

So wow, I did get a chance to tell him after all. Thank god for that. And it just . . . makes you think? Makes you wonder? How much time do we have left on this earth, and how time much do we really take to appreciate the good things we have? I've been to the absolute bottom, and I believe it makes me appreciate where I am now all the more. I still miss Doc and many other people in my life, but they wouldn't want me to be sad forever. Life goes on and we have to make the most of it.

Since then I've often pointed out something that Doc said in his last journal entry here, "So be cool mein friends and save the anger for the important things. life's too short." Indeed it is, and maybe we can all see things from a new perspective. I get tired of the petty drama I've been involved with in the past and perhaps all this has changed me for the better.

Anyway, I do believe that I've found those "better days" that I was longing for all that time ago. I've been feeling unusually calm in the past few months and have had more creative energy than ever. Life can be good, and I truly believe that things can only get better from here. :)


 
 
feeling: tired
 
 
enigmawing
14 December 2008 @ 05:26 am
This was my "resignation letter" to JABcomix:

Dear JAB,

I wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed the conversation we had the other night.

I loved your art from the first moment I saw it, and way back then I had no clue that I'd ever get to talk to you, let alone participate in your (future) website and even make contributions to it.  For that I am very grateful.  And as we already touched on, I met Rey because of your site.  I also got interested in drawing again, crawled out of my shell, and made friends through chat and the pages of your forum.

The reason I'm writing you tonight is that I'm leaving.  I want you to know that it's nothing against you; the issues I'm having are with Blue.  And with the way things are going I have come to realize that they'll never be resolved.

I've been hurting for months over her, actually.  I once considered her a very close friend; I trusted her, confided in her, defended her, hung out with her in person, but ended up getting burned pretty bad over a mountain of lies.  Rey tells me it's not worth stressing and crying over, but dammit, there's nothing I can do to keep it from hurting like hell.  I realize that it's something between her and I, and that being the case I would love to leave it at the door when entering the forum, but so much of what the forum has become pokes at old wounds to the point that I simply can't put myself through any more of it.

I know I briefly mentioned Idic's contest during our chat, that she accepted his prize money (a total of $300) with the agreement that she'd be the one to hand it out to the winners.  And sometime after the contest ended, she disappeared.  I've seen her online many, many times since then (both through googletalk and the forum) and she's failed to answer my and everyone else's emails/phone calls, etc.  To be honest, and I hate to say this, I'd wager that she believed her team's entry would sweep the contest and that most of the money was hers before the voting even started; perhaps she no longer had it and panicked by the time the voting ended.  I hope you'll take a moment to read through the last few posts of the Rules thread in the staff section.

I had already reached the breaking point with her before the events of this contest and simply can't handle any further lies or manipulations.  Idic is shelling out the promised money yet again, but this time directly to the contest winners in order to set things right.  Perhaps it's worth mentioning that Blue already owes Rey and I over $500 from a few things well over a year and a half ago.  A personal matter I know, but it's yet another reflection that she has little interest in taking care of her personal responsibilities and obligations.

Sigh . . . it was earlier this year that I found out I can't trust a single thing she's ever said to me, so even if she ends up returning with an explanation I'll have no reason to believe her.  Maybe it was naive of me, but I've always been open and honest with her and find it utterly heart-breaking that she couldn't bother to do the same.

I did not take this decision to leave lightly, in fact I am frustrated beyond belief and have cried over it many times, even now as I write this letter to you.  I love the site and the community and I hate the idea of letting one person ruin much of what I've built these past four years.  But I also find myself taking month-long "breaks" from the place simply because of her, even when she isn't around to post.  Perhaps that more than anything is a sign telling me it's time to step down as a moderator and leave.

As we agreed the other night, life's too short, and I can't waste any more of it stressing and hurting over things beyond my control.  I will post a goodbye thread to everyone before I leave, in the meantime I ask that you strip away my moderator status.  I hope we can retain our friendship and that you'll accept an occasional piece from me as you do from Notherfan.  As I have stressed before, this is nothing against you.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the good you've brought to me, and that's something I can always carry no
matter where it is that life might take me.

~E

This is JAB's reply:

I am saddened by your departure.  Your presence in this website is truly valuable. 

You will leave an everlasting void that will never be filled.  I had no idea of what the dynamics were in your relationship with Blue and it saddens me to find out how it has gone.  Perhaps this is part of the reason why I failed to interact more with all of you, for fear of such let downs. However, I see you as a brave person to have gotten involved with people of the forum despite the risk of let downs such as this. 

Do not fret my friend Enigma, life will fatten you with disappointments before all of this is done.  But it will also bless you with much joy.  I wish you the best in your life and I thank you for sharing all that you have shared.  You are always welcomed in sending your artwork to me.  I will post it proudly.

Your friend------

JAB

* * *

My final post:


Sorry to announce this so soon after returning, but I've asked JAB to strip away my moderator status and will be leaving the forum once this message has been posted.

It's been one hell of a ride and I'll miss it like crazy. As I recently told him, I truly appreciate all that this site and many of its members have done for me, whether my ego was boosted or got handed a few hard knocks. If it hadn't been for JAB, I probably would have never made the connections that regained my interest in drawing, perhaps I'd have never found the hope and confidence I've always needed, and I most certainly wouldn't have ever met Rey. It's made a big difference in my life these past few years.

I'd be lying if I pretended I wasn't disappointed with certain situations my stay has presented me with, and regretfully it's because of those situations that I feel compelled to leave. What it basically comes down to is that I can no longer subject myself to being hurt over issues that are far beyond my control; they have been wearing me down this past year and I must take my leave before I reach any further breaking points.

Take care, guys. I'll still be posting at most of my other usual places so I shouldn't be too hard to find. To those who have supported my art, I truly appreciate it; hopefully I'll continue to keep drawing no matter what. And to those who have chosen to be my friend, I thank you. I realize that this is just the internet but have learned that relationships within it can be just as important and meaningful as those we find in "real life." Unfortunately, I've also experienced the fact that they can be just as painful.

~E

* * *

The next day, I peek back to look at replies and find my status has been upgraded from "Moderator" to "JAB Nirvana," the highest rank available. 

Good thing I won't be signing in anymore, as it seems I've been left speechless.


 
 
feeling: melancholy
 
 
enigmawing
08 October 2008 @ 01:52 pm
I'm waiting on a couple of people before I can drop this in my dA account.  Since I'm itching to post it somewhere I figure this is a safe place without being too much of a spoiler for the other guys.


Careful there, Rufus.



The plan is that three of us deviants are simultaneously posting "Hooter Kims."  The hope is that we can get a drawing jam going like we had for the LBD and Bunny Kims.

It technically shouldn't prove to be any more or less controversial than the others but we'll see what happens.

 
 
enigmawing
09 September 2008 @ 11:34 pm
I'm finally beginning to arrange all my DVD's to how I want them on the shelves, perhaps to the level of being obsessive-compulsive.  I seem to be all or nothing when it comes to orginization so forgive me for being a little anal, lol.  First thing's first: placing all the Walt Disney Animated Classics I have in chronological order.  And it's getting to me because I've realized I lost 5 whole films in the move. . .

*Dumbo*
Cinderella
*Aladdin*
Lilo & Stitch
Treasure Planet

*I seem to have slipcovers for these movies but no actual cases or discs*


And the list of what I've never owned on DVD is much longer than I realized. . .

*Pinocchio*
Saludos Amigos
*Three Caballeros*
Make Mine Music
Fun & Fancy Free
Melody Time
*One Hundred and One Dalmatians*
*The Aristocats*
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
*The Rescuers*
*The Rescuers Down Under*
*Hercules*

*formerly owned on VHS*


I guess that's not a bad track record though, as I have all the rest of the official list on DVD.  

Now I have to divide the rest of my discs into groups and see what else I'm missing. :p

 
 
feeling: dorky
 
 
enigmawing
06 September 2008 @ 01:38 am
As you probably know, when I draw I typically draw girls.  Characters that sit in nice, steady poses with serene expressions.



I don't feel so steady or serene.  Heh heh, it's 2 am.  Wish I could either sleep or concentrate on the drawing; I haven't done much of either lately.
 
 
feeling: melancholy
 
 
enigmawing
18 January 2008 @ 01:59 am
Woke up from a dream about an hour ago, but the dream isn't the strange part.

Hilario and I were childhood friends, and he was only about 2 years younger than me.  Just like Rusty and I? 

Hmm.  In fact, I think Hilario *was* Rusty.  He lived four houses away and Mom often cited him as my first crush.  I eventually became friends with his little sister for a short time but we all ended up living in two very different worlds before we finished school.

Anyway, Hilario and I were riding bikes through my old neighborhood at one point, walking and holding hands at another, talking about who knows what in a very sweet and innocent manner.  But I eventually realized the sun was rising and that we'd been out all night; my parents were going to be very upset!  We were in the field behind the house and I motioned for him to be quiet.  As we approached the back door, I could see that Mom was waiting up for me in the kitchen but had fallen asleep.  Looked like Dad was watching TV, just waiting for me to walk in.  I backed away.

We held hands again and walked to the street, then through the church yard and onto Union Street.  I pulled out my cell phone (!) and told him I had to come up with some kind of excuse and call them so they could stop worrying.  He suggested that I just say I fell asleep at his house, but what if Mom had called there and talked to his mom?  I felt an urge to run away with him, to leave everything behind, but I wanted to see my parents again and I couldn't overturn the intense amount of guilt I was feeling.  Then I woke up. 

The strange part?  The guilt I felt in the dream isn't leaving.

. . .

I should go back to bed now.
 
 
feeling: sleepy
 
 
enigmawing
10 August 2007 @ 01:51 pm
The subject line says it all.
 
 
feeling: sleepy
 
 
enigmawing
I found my mother's emerald ring a little earlier today, something I thought I'd lost years ago.  For some odd reason it was in the bottom of a coffee mug in a box that probably hasn't been opened since it had been at Dad's.  He bought it for her birthday sometime in the late 80's.

I kind of lost it for a few minutes. . . and actually I was surprised over how quickly I managed to regain my composure.  Hmm. . . I suppose that's what I get for waiting so long to sort through everything?  Still, it's nice to find a little something like this that I can hold on to when I'm in the middle of sorting through and parting with so much.  One of these days I'll get it resized for the ring finger of my right hand, in the meantime it's not leaving the finger that it does fit.

I've been thinking about her a lot lately. . . I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having her here these past eleven years. . . so much we never got to talk about or do together.
 
 
feeling: tired
listening to: Swing Swing - All American Rejects
 
 
enigmawing
02 May 2007 @ 12:25 am
Something made me decide to look up the Three Arts Club today out of nowhere.  It was my residency for the year I attended art school at the suggestion of Ms. Burkhardt, who was still a complete stranger at the time.  Heh, I think my dad went for it because no men were allowed.  Anyway, it's been around since 1914 and has been an official Chicago historical landmark since 1981.


Three Arts Club


I did a lot of soul-searching in that place.

And now. . . now I find that it's been sold. . . well, why does it feel so unsettling?  It's going to be turned into a private club, but I guess that's just as well since it's been sitting empty for a few years now.  I didn't know that part either.

I took Lock past it one of the last times we drove to Chicago, maybe four or five years ago.  Heh, I still love that old building, even if my room was a bit on the small side.

God. . . sometimes I wish I could get a hold of Matt and especially Ms. Burkardt, but last I heard neither of them were working at the school anymore.  They were both a witness to me trying my damnedest to work through my unexplainable depression, something i didn't dig myself out of in time to pass my classes.  Hell, they even fought to have my grades raised but the administration was rather arrogant about it all.  Sigh.  I felt like I let a lot of people down over that, especially myself.

Funny, it feels like a lifetime ago now.  Yeah, it's all just as well.
 
 
feeling: tired
listening to: Landslide - Dixie Chicks
 
 
enigmawing
30 April 2007 @ 09:24 am
Thank you so much for the candle Jenn, I love it!!! 

For those of you not in the know, she found me a scented candle called "Amber Sunset" . . . how perfect is that! :D
 
 
enigmawing
15 April 2007 @ 03:49 pm
Every once in a while I dig out my old Sailormoon music. . . I still love singing along with this one. . .

Kaze mo Sora mo Kitto (The Wind and the Sky, Surely)

Hitogomi ni kiete yuku
Senaka ni mukatte te wo futta
Kinou made ga uso mitai ni mieru


Disappearing into the crowd
I waved my hand to your turned back.
Until yesterday, this all seemed like it wasn't real.

Namida deru hodo waratte
Te wo tsunaide mitsumeaeba
Itsumo (anata no) nioi (kasuka ni)
Mune wo setsunaku shita

Laughing so hard that I cried
When we join hands and I gaze into your eyes.
Your fragrance always so faintly
Tears at the strings of my heart.

Wagamama mo shita shi
tsumaranai kenka mo shita
Aenaku naru hi ga kuru koto mo
shiranaide

Even though we've acted selfishly
And argued over trifling things,
I never thought the day we couldn't be together
Would ever come for us.

Ano hi oikakete
Kimochi no subete wo uchiaketara
Kaze mo sora mo mada
Futari dake wo tsutsundeta


I'm running after it, that day
When we can open all our feelings up to each other.
The wind and the sky, still
Wrapped around us, alone together

Ashita no koto omottara
Kimochi ga sukoshi mae wo muku
Kitto (dokoka ni) tsuzuku (chiisa na)
Michi wo aruite yukou


I think about our tomorrow,
Living in our true feelings.
Surely, we will stay on this small path,
Walking on ahead.

Hitorikiri ni natta
Aitai yoru ni tsunaida
Kotoba no rain mo ima wa mou todokanai

Now I am all by myself
Tied to the night, wanting to be with you.
Now all my strings of words,
They just do not reach you anymore.

Ano hi dakishimeta
Shiawase wo kesshite wasurenaide
Totemo suki ni natta
Ano toki no jibun de iyou

That day, when we were in each other's arms,
That defined our happiness.
Don't forget how I fell so in love with you.
I wish we could be like we were back then.

Ano hi yume mite ita
Anata no hitomi wo wasurenaide
Kaze mo sora mo kitto
Kanashimi wo keshite kureru


That day, I had a dream.
I will not forget the depth of your eyes.
The wind, the sky, surely
Will wipe away all my pain inside.

*    *    *
 
 
enigmawing
15 April 2007 @ 12:30 am
Heh, and I was complaining about moving those boxes of detergent around. . . today it was boxes of lawn furniture. Fifty-nine point five pounds each. o.O

I was actually a bit excited yesterday. I got my first big paycheck. . . woo-hoo!!! I'm finally gonna catch up, right?

Then as I leave today I look up next week's schedule.

Thursday 4/19

GM Freight
5:00am - 12:30pm


. . .


Um. . . that's it?

Heh, I can't win. They warned me that I might only get scheduled whenever the truck comes, but that it would normally be at least twice a week, if not more. However, one of the ladies that hired me said she would schedule me for purges to help pad my hours since I said I needed as many as I can get.

Yeah. Just as the company decides to discontinue purging.

I've been working my ass off for them, making myself sick waking up at ungodly hours (I have a weak stomach that early in the morning no matter how much sleep I get), my fingernails are weak and cracked, I've got bruises all over my arms, blisters on my feet, they only gave me one day off this week. . . and now I'm down to one day period?

Bleh. One extreme to the other.  I've worked too hard for them to do this to me.  Then again, they let Butch go today for "not being productive enough" but he was always on the move, so who knows?  They hired a couple of new freight guys. . . it makes me wonder. . .

Sigh. Is it time to look for a new job already?
 
 
feeling: cynical
listening to: Worlds Apart - Jude Cole
 
 
enigmawing
28 March 2007 @ 09:11 am
I'm remembering why retail sucks.

I was scheduled for eight hours and ended up having to work almost eleven, had some lady talking down to me half the time, got tired of trying to remember which function buttons were which on the scanner that I was carrying around like a gun (can I pretend to shoot customers with it, can I can I can I?). . .

But meh. . . could have been worse. . . the thing I was most worried about was being on my feet for so long. The last time I started working like this after such a long break away my feet still hurt the next morning. Well, it's the next morning now so I think I'm gonna be fine, LOL. I'm sure all the walking I did in Vegas didn't hurt.

Somebody had to steal my price gun because we didn't have enough to go around. . . I really felt lost then. Without having that for my guide I had no clue where to put anything for those few hours. . . what on earth do they do about that when they're not understaffed like this?

And why the hell can't they have the AC on for the employees? The first few hours were rather stuffy. . . I'm hoping it doesn't mess with my asthma later on when the weather actually gets warm.

On the upside, doing freight is much more enjoyable than the register, basically because I'm not stuck in one spot all day. Um. . . got to listen to easy-listening music. But most important of all, just yay, I'm working again. So yeah, I can't really complain.

Today I at least know what time I'll get to leave because I'm doing more training at the register. Heh, I wonder how much I've already forgotten from last week.
 
 
where: upstairs
listening to: birds through the window
 
 
enigmawing
09 March 2007 @ 08:46 am
Heh, it's been so long since I've posted anything here. . . and this is what popped up in my draft:

I wondered after looking at my dA account. . .

Why do I feel like I haven't really accomplished much with my art?


Er. . . more on that later. . . I recall that was the day I was trying to put a portfolio together for the studio by Milwaukee. . . and it seems all my best pieces are too risque to put in any regular portfolio period. :P

Anyway, I have to go the bank, the post office, the library. . .

Thank god I actually got my car fixed. . . damn starter. . . I can't complain though. . . got an amazing amount of help my friends after finding the eviction notice on my door. Scared the crap outta me, let me tell you. Just when I get my car working again, feeling a bit independent for once and having a second job interview to go to (hooray for Shopko, dontchaknow), I find I'm supposed to be outta here on the day I'm supposed to leave for my trip? But it's all good, it's all good. . . talked to the landlord and worked something out. And like I said, I've gotten an amazing amount of help.

And speaking of the landlord, I gotta get going. . . can't put off sending him some money, got vouchers to print for the flight, and I've got that interview at noon today.

Eeks! Got a busy weekend ahead of me, and an even busier week.

Yeah. . . can't wait. ;)
 
 
listening to: Look What You've Done - Jet
 
 
enigmawing
13 February 2007 @ 01:12 am
What if
I curl up in my chair
cover my ears
cover my eyes
and try to push away
any and all doubt
from my mind
but back it creeps
because I am failing
and can't keep
from sensing that
I won't be enough
for this to take hold
so here as I gaze
upon this light
I wonder
is the fading
all in my head
because I've learned
the same damn thing
and as I sit here
I tell myself
to expect more
but as the years pass
my reasoning says
not to expect much
and I tremble
because I've
nothing left to give
and I can't stand
on so little
 
 
listening to: What's it All About Austin - Alfie
 
 
enigmawing
09 February 2007 @ 09:21 am
Quite possibly my favorite gag from Freakazoid.



Ah, this takes me back a good decade or so. . . god am I old, LOL!!!
 
 
enigmawing
24 January 2007 @ 04:38 am
Let's see. . .

Obviously, Lock's car has been gone. I hadn't shoveled, and the falling snow hid the footprints of the handful of times I had come and gone. Um, guess I've been quiet too. Oh yeah, I kept missing garbage day.

So what happens? The neighbors call the cops, thinking I'm dead.

*checks pulse*

Whew. Looks like I'm not.
 
 
feeling: relieved
listening to: the chaos in my mind
 
 
enigmawing
16 January 2007 @ 09:08 pm
Ah, good old 1995. . . this song popped into my head, one of my old, old faves. . . somehow it seems so appropriate now. . .

Could I Be Your Girl - Jann Arden

Hide your heart under the bed and lock your secret drawer
Wash the angels from your head won't need them anymore
Love is a demon and you're the one he's coming for
Oh my Lord

He's bringing sweet salvation, let temptation take you in
He's every fear and every hope and every single sin
He is the universe, the love you've been imagining
Oh my Lord. . . Oh my Lord. . . Oh my Lord. . .

And I am ashes, I am Jesus. I am precious,
could I be your girl? Could I be your girl?

Put a chair against the door and turn the lights down low
Write a letter to yourself no one will ever know
Tell them all about the girl who just refused to fall
Oh my Lord

He is the very breath you feel inside your lungs at night
He is the bitter wind who's drying up your appetite
He is the darkness that seeps into your fading light
Oh my Lord. . . Oh my Lord. . . Oh my Lord. . .

And I am ashes, I am Jesus. I am precious,
could I be your girl? Could I be your girl?
And I am worthless sounds compared to all your perfect words
Could I be your girl? Could I be your girl?

Wash the angels from your hair won't need them anymore
Hide your heart under the bed and lock your secret drawer
Love is the demon and you're the one he's coming for
Oh my Lord. . . Oh my Lord. . .
Could I be your girl? Could I be your girl?


. . .

Heh, then again. . . I already am his girl. :">
 
 
feeling: bouncy
 
 
enigmawing
10 January 2007 @ 07:20 pm
Er. . . Satan and I decided to make an official announcement that we are now a couple. . . the response has been, well. . . amazing. . .

And OMFG, the amazing Rick Fields drew this for us!!! Heh, I had to color it of course. . . I told him he made my day/week/month/year. . .

Satan and E

Make for clicky to see the full-sized version. :D
 
 
where: Upstairs
feeling: enthralled
listening to: Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru
 
 
 
 

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